Formspring

formspring.me - special solo1y Edition

I started doing this formspring thing on the suggestion of Jason Connery, ever since which an avalanche of bizarre, excessively personal, abusive and hilarious questions have tumbled into my inbox. It's pleasantly light on features as its only function is to allow people to ask you questions. There has been some media hoo-ha about the fact that people can ask you questions anonymously, which results in passive-aggressive attention-seeking and sometimes outright abuse. But you can just delete anything you don't like the look of, and if you're so inclined, you can turn passive-aggressive lameness into something wonderful.

At the time of writing this, I have 460 questions answered and 265 sitting in my inbox waiting for me to be witty and relevant at them. I don't know if people actually want answers, or if they just want to see what crazy shit I'll come up with. Either way, I thought it might be an idea to gather some of my most witty and relevant answers (as voted on by the readers of Madeup Magazine) in one place. In other news, there is no search facility on formspring. If you want to find a slice of brilliance you dropped 300 answers ago, you just have to physically trawl through all your answers. Homie don't play that. And so, this.

I've noticed that my answers tend to fall into a few distinct categories:

True Story
Surprisingly Revealing
Long, Rambling, Unrelated, Unnecessary
Quick-Stupid Joke

True Story

There's a lesson we can learn from the Gulf oil leak disaster, right? What is it?

If there's one thing we can all learn from this, it's that there's a hell of a lot of oil left in the planet. We don't have to worry about it all running out just yet.

Further reading: http://solo1y.livejournal.com/28774.html

What is your first thought when someone opens a conversation with, "I shouldn't be saying this but..."?

Whenever someone comes to me with gossip, I always wonder what they're telling other people about me.

I never say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to his/her face. And neither should you.

LOL So why are you quitting Facebook? You don't seem overly concerned with privacy.

"LOL"

My problems with Facebook are nothing to do with privacy. There will always be people who don't understand that ANYTHING uploaded to the interwebz might leak. And there will always be people who don't understand that organising against change is like shouting against the wind "Hey, if we get enough people shouting, maybe the wind will notice! It's better than doing nothing!" No, it's not better than doing nothing. It advertises a lack of understanding about how the real world operates, and it makes you look kind of retarded.

Check out this article from 2006, published just after Facebook invented their News Feed function: http://tinyurl.com/mfm6q

*sigh*

Do you think that Noah's ark has been or will ever be found?

No. Obviously.

How many times have you revisited Ireland since you left to move to the USA? Notice any changes in Ireland? In yourself?

I've been back a bunch of times. I haven't notice much different, but I'm surrounded by very attractive, under-dressed, friendly girls where I am now, and it's something of a shock to be plunged into the icy cold water of non-attractive, heavy-coated, uptight Irish girls - the sort of girls who will start a conversation with you and then make you do all the work.

If you see a girl walking down the street in Ireland, and it looks like she's made an effort, she's probably Polish.

What is your idea of beauty?

Symmetry, vulnerability, truth, efficiency, minimalism, innocence, co-ordination and a thirst for knowledge.

Beauty always exists slightly outside any attempt to categorise it.

What annoys you most?

Organised sincere stupidity. Unquestioned authority. Inefficiency. Strong uninformed opinions.

Ideally, how would your world work?

I've been thinking about this, because it's a great question. No matter how I slice it, it all comes back to one basic idea, which we're all committed to in theory but refuse to even consider in practice. Ideally, my world would work like this:

Every man would have a say in any decision that affects him.

Do you think you take things too seriously sometimes?

For the last two months, my Facebook profile pic was a photo of me in a cowboy hat, holding a bunny.

Do you believe in aliens (the kind from outer space, not the illegal kind)?

I certainly think it's possible, but it's unlikely we'll ever know anything about them, or they about us.

Firstly, the time-scale involved is so massive that the window of opportunity between our rise and fall as a space-aware species and their rise and fall as a space-aware species is tiny.

Secondly, the distances are so great that it would require more generations than we've had since recorded history to send even a message to the nearest planet capable of supporting life.

Ever get tired tired of being a wise ass? I love you, Irish prick. (ghost of FH past)

I can't help being a genius any more than you can help being an idiot.

If you were running for mayor of your city, what would be your slogan?

Honesty. Community. Values. Choice. Integrity. Commitment. Freedom.

Furthermore, I think Carthage must be destroyed.

What one question would you ask your anonymous questioners if that were allowed in this format?

I don't think I want to know anything about any of them.

What are you doing in California? Don't you see the buzzards circling? It's doomed. What's keeping you there?

Everywhere is doomed if you have the right kind of eyes.

Do you believe it is truly possible to become as closely bonded to an adopted child as to your own biological child? Why or why not?

Yes. I suspect the parent-child bond is less about which uterus spawns the child and more about spending lots of time with the child as it develops.

How come no one likes myspace anymore?

For the last three years they've been fighting an obvious rearguard action against Facebook, incorporating modified versions of all the things that made Facebook so popular. However, people who preferred Facebook's features just moved to Facebook, so all myspace managed to do is alienate the only people who were left - people who didn't like Facebook features.

Also, being ambushed by sparkle gifs and stupid emo songs is an asyemmetric response to the crime of checking out your page.

Why would a successful professional athlete like Lawrence Taylor feel the need to pay for sex?

I don't know who Lawrence Taylor is.

However, I can see why someone might pay for sex. Firstly, it's nice that she has to deliver and can't feed you any bullshit about not being in the mood or whatever. Secondly, and this is probably more important, when it's over, she goes away and you never have to talk to her again. You don't have to talk about your feelings, or where you see the relationship going... she's just gone.

No expectations, no disappointments.

Do you ever think you might be having trouble with reading comprehension?

The grandest aim of satire is to have a crossover (i.e. people who understand why it's funny AND don't like it) of zero.

Do you consider television a waste of time?

Yes.

Surprisingly Revealing

What is the worst trouble you've been in so far?

I was the subject of an FBI investigation. The details are not important, but the whole thing turned out to be bullshit. I might still be on a list somewhere, I don't know.

Do you get many headaches? What do you do when you are in pain?

I get lost of terrible headaches which are triggered by sunshine and probably stress (I wouldn't know). Sometimes they last for days and are so bad that they interfere with my vision. I have found that the only reliable solution (groan) is Solpadeine, which is just codeine and paracetamol (or as you would call it, acetaminophen). You can't get it over here without a scrip, so I just import them from Ireland every time I come back.

I've never said this before, but I love you, Solpadeine. I don't know if I could live without you.

http://www.solpadeine.co.uk/

Do you have any eccentric relatives?

I *am* the eccentric relative.

From Andrew Gardner: Have you ever had anal sex and if not, is it something you would like to try?

No.

Would you rather get up early or sleep late?

I'm working on about four hours of sleep a night at the moment. I do my best writing in the night time, and the day is spent muddling around or trying to sleep.

If you were a character from any book or movie, real or fictional... who would you be and why?

Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Because everyone adapts themselves around him, rather than sending him home from school every week with a stupid note for my parents to sign. HIS parents, I mean.

Other than a photo, describe a favorite decorative item hanging on a wall in your home. Oh wait. You're in CA. Favorite thing shattered into bits on the floor, then.

I don't have any photos or decorative items hanging on a wall in my home.

What are some of your favorite smells?

Rubbed iron, fresh trees, coconut milk, clean hair, and fruit punch.

Why solo1?

I'm so old, when I wanted an email address, I had to contact the telephone company to give me one. The lady on the telephone asked me what name I wanted and I was on my own in the house, so I said "solo". In a development that would reflect all later internet activity, she said: "Sorry, that's taken. How about solo1?"

Have you assimilated?

No. But I didn't assimilate in Ireland either.

Would you agree that bikini bars are a waste of money?? (I mean shit, they don't even take their clothes off.)

I don't drink and I have internet access. So even if they did take their clothes off, it would be a waste of money to me.

Fuck-ups are the story of my life. What are some of yours?

There was a time when I brought honesty and clarity to a situation which required compassion and diplomacy.

There was a time when I offered financial assistance to a person who required psychological help.

The wrong tools for the wrong job.

Why do you permit people to ask questions anonymously? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that you do, but why?

Prepared Answer: It gives people the opportunity to ask me things they want to know who would otherwise never have the balls to do so, thus improving the overall chances that I might be able to say something witty or relevant.

Real Answer: I can't be bothered to track down the option to turn it off.

What do you think you will be doing five years from now?

I don't even know what I'll be doing five hours from now.

When people ask, "How are you?" do you reply, "Fine, thanks" just to move things along even if you are not feeling fine?

People know better than to ask me that. I tend to give long, rambling, barely-relevant answers about political situations in third-world countries or how magnets work.

When was the last time you felt hate or something close to hate, if ever? What was the object of the hatred?

I don't hate anything or anyone. I can't remember when I did, if I ever did.

Do you believe in monogamy? (this is not in any way related to the question about multi-tasking)

If you can make monogamy work for you, then go do it. I don't think people should be judged for how they conduct their romantic affairs. People love in all sorts of ways.

I support love.

Is it true that when you are in quicksand, struggling will make you sink faster? How are you supposed to escape it, then - simply relax, think positive thoughts and float upwards?

I can't even relax when I'm not in quicksand, so I'm probably screwed.

Seriously though, if I ever find myself in quicksand, I intend to scream and flail about as though I were on fire. So I'm probably screwed.

How do you keep fit and healthy? What do you do for exercise?

I eat a lot of trash and drink about a gallon of Coca-Cola a day.

I get no exercise to speak of, and I'm in perfect health. Yeah. Eat it, fatties. Well, not "eat it".

Health question. Do you have any pre-existing conditions?

No. For someone who gets no exercise and eats nothing but trash, I'm suspiciously healthy.

Maybe there's a picture of me in someone's attic in which I look like hell. I wouldn't know.

Ever had recurring dreams?

Yes, all the time. I often dream about my teeth falling out, which apparently means something.

When I was younger, my dreams used to have incidental music and end-credits. Sometimes they would take up from where they left off the previous night. I remember at least one occasion where one of my dreams opened with a gruff voice saying "Previously on..."

Would you offer both a serious and a not-serious answer to questions now and then? or always?

I just say whatever pops into my head.

Is it easier for you to accept compliments or a critisms?

Compliments are met with witty deflections:

http://www.formspring.me/solo1/q/193606165
http://www.formspring.me/solo1/q/504801662

Criticism are met with logical counter-arguments or analysis:

http://www.formspring.me/solo1/q/256787799
http://www.formspring.me/solo1/q/191950595

How often do you feel bored?

Never. Not once, ever.

What qualities do you have that you believe will make you a good father?

I'm very good at telling the difference between something that's worth getting upset about and something that isn't.

Also, I'm punctual.

Long, Rambling, Unrelated, Unnecessary

My nose is the oversensitive. No, I can't stop them but their smoke invades what I thought to be a fine place to sit outdoors, have breakfast, read. But no. My balcony is unusable when they smoke on theirs. Can this problem ever be solved?

Yes it can. You need to think of something that's so obnoxious, even smokers will think twice about ever stepping onto their balcony again. And it needs to be something you can do from the floor below.

When you hear them clunking around upstairs, maybe you could release some helium balloons, the strings just long enough so that the image of Yul Brynner stares them in the face. I'm not sure where you're going to get Helium balloons with the image of Yul Brynner, but if you find some, you must buy them all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNjunlWUJJI

Do you take vitamin pills?

No. And neither should you.

"Yeah but"

Yeah but nothing: Vitamin pills are complete bullshit. There's a whole industry based on getting people to believe that. So many problems (obesity, diabetes, vitamin deficiency, inter alia) can be treated in this way:

Eat right. Get some exercise.

But no. You want to put as little effort as possible into your own health. You want to pay someone else to sort it all out for you, in pill form, don't you? What's the point in being human? Seriously, what is the point in being human if you're so fucking lazy and stupid that you'd prefer to take some bullshit pills than eat normal food? Fine. Take your stupid pills. Your "supplements". But you don't get to call anyone else stupid or lazy ever again.

I'm a facebook rookie and need advice. What profile pic clues or other indicators should guide me in deciding who to accept as 'friends'?

(What photo looks like): what it means.

(Self-shot in mirror, looking at preview screen instead of lens): so insecure, she can't take her eyes off the preview for a SINGLE GODDAMN SECOND! Do not add.

(high-contrast): hiding something. Unless you know what that is, do not add.

(holding a beer, other alcohol-related): drunkard. Do not add.

(group shot): no individual identity, probably suggestible. Add.

(looking away, looking sad): thinks she's deep, but she's chosen to advertise this depth with a Facebook profile photo, so she's probably shallower than the shallow end of a child's play pool. Hence, easily manipulated and predictable. Add.

(showing middle finger): this person has not yet learned how to channel her rebellious nature. Could be good for a quick laugh. Add.

(dresses like hipster/emo): either is or (even worse) wants to be hipster or emo. Do not add.

(photo with girlfriend/boyfriend): clingy, needy, no fun. Do not add.

(sunglasses taking up more than 60% of photo): Do not add.

(making 'heart' shape with hands): obsessed with appearing "cute" to others. Unless you enjoy talking about My Little Pony, ribbons and smarties, do not add.

(photo of something other than her face): worse than having something to hide. This is a complete abrogation of identity. Possible psychosis. Do not add.

(black & white): she thinks she's arty. probably studying photography or "media studies" at some community college. Very easy to control, but there's not much of a challenge so you'll get bored. Whatever. Add.

Are you good at memorising long pieces of text?

I'm not even good at memorising short words like "tomatoes" and then I just stand in the produce aisle, staring into the middle distance, until, after a brief huddle with his colleagues, someone in a Ralph's shirt draws the short straw and approaches to ask me if I could find everything today.

"I don't know - where do you keep the dignity?"

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

Yes. I want to see you in serious pain. I want to see you broken, on your knees, looking up at me, completely bereft of dignity, looking a complete mess, mascara running down your face as you sob uncontrollably, knowing deep in your heart that the last shreds of your self-respect are leaving you, never to return.

Only then can sex occur.

Oops, several windows open - typed previous Q in wrong box. Ignore.

That's OK, it happens to- wait! You mean you're asking other people questions behind my back?

I don't want to make a big deal or anything, and I know we never said anything explicitly about being exclusive, but I thought we had something. Something... special. A unique bond that we shared over the internet. You'd ask me passive-aggressive questions and then get defensive and whiny when I called you out on it - it's what we do! It's our thing. Cosa nostra.

It's Julie isn't it? That little hussy has always been trying to catch a slice of my formspring action. Well that ends now. No more! You are hereby forbidden from asking that BITCH any more questions, and if I find out you've been... you've been...

Oh god. I'm sorry! I didn't mean that. I don't mean to tell you what to do. That's not me. That's not the sort of person I am. I'm just so upset and frustrated and I don't know what to say to make this better!

I had plans. I pictured us strolling down sun-drenched, leaf-dappled country lanes and holding hands while skipping merrily through daisy-filled meadows. I had picked out the names of our children (Magdalene Eve for a girl and Bartholomew Thane and fuck you there is nothing wrong with those names).

If you want to ask Julie questions now instead of me, I'm fine with it. Really, I'm OK. Well, not OK, but I wish you both happiness in your new formspring relationship. Really. I do. We'll always have the time we shared here, and no one can take that away.

No one.

Doth thou feelst like a gentlefolk?

Oh god! This is terrible.

"Doth thou" should be "Dost thou"; "feelst" should be "feel" because it's acting as a participle and not in agreement with the subject. And "gentlefolk" is plural. And - oh god - it's awful! Get the question away from me!

hey barry...i've had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don't go on here a lot but message me on www.findersingle.com under the username "wishfulthinker".

But why are you putting this on my formspring? WHY! You must be in some sort of trouble.

Maybe you've just run away from home and you're living on the streets. You need money, fast, but you have no way of getting any. You're vulnerable and lonely and that's where I come in.

I'll take you under my wing, pick you up from the street, take you home. Why, those clothes are terrible! And you're so .. filthy! You must take them off and steam yourself clean in my nice soapy shower. While delivering some clean and recently-ironed clothes (nothing fancy, just some spare jeans a t-shirt) to the bathroom, I accidentally catch a glimpse of your perfectly-formed body silhouetted against the steam-smeared shower partition.

Afterwards, we sit in front of a blazing fire, sipping red wine and discussing Camus, Kafka and Hunter S. Thompson, all of whom you are a fan (although of Camus, you will only reveal that you lean towards his earlier work). At some point during the conversation, you will lean closer, and I will put my arm around you. More conversation ensues, but now more personal topics are introduced, personal goals, dreams, and what hair dye works best with extensions.

We laugh about the failure of capitalist democracy to deliver true electoral participation in the provision of public services and national adminstration. We don't phrase it like that, of course.

Later in the night, you yawn, your eyes begin to droop, and so I suggest we go to bed. Earlier, I had prepared the spare room with some fresh sheets, with a glass of camomile tea on the dresser. We both go to sleep in our separate rooms.

In the middle of the night, there is some soft noise, and the door of my room opens. Someone insinuates herself under my duvet, and rolls into my body. We hold each other until morning.

Do you use both shampoo and conditioner or just shampoo?

I'm glad you asked me that! It's about time I got some real questions that mean something and not the usual "What's your favourite colour?" shit I've been getting recently.

There are two competing schools of thought on this subject, which I'll get into anon, but let me first entertain you with a tale of my youth.

When I was a young man, there was a hair care product introduced by Vidal Sassoon (no relation) called Wash 'n' Go. The idea was that one wouldn't have to take two bottles into the shower. Only a fool, it was implied, would consider such a course of action when a combination hair care product was available! It sold well, based on a comprehensive advertising campaign which sought to promote such separate purchases as folly.

Five years later, sales of Wash 'n' Go had slumped somewhat, and I noticed one could buy Wash 'n' Go shampoo and conditioners. Separately.

I hope that answers your question.

Can people want two opposing things that seem mutually exclusive at the same time and not be totally contradictory? Is this a disappointing question?

Yes!

Person A wants some gentle folksy country music.
Person B wants some banging, crashing grunge heavy rock.
Person C wants some Kraftwerk-style electro.
Person D wants 50s-style rockabilly.
Person E wants brass-heavy swing.

By you powers combined, I AM NEIL YOUNG!

A: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comes_a_Time
B: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rust_Never_Sleeps
C: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans_%28album%29
D: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everybody%27s_Rockin%27
E: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Note%27s_for_You

All over Twitter, people are literally begging for formspring questions. What do you think you might have done to prompt a visit from the question fairy?

"Witty and relevant."
-Riverside Champion

"...at first you'll wonder what the hell he's talking about, but stick with it. He delivers."
-William Faulkner

"He ask me how much for daughter! I no like. I tell her, you no talk to bad man! She talk to him!"
-some Asian lady

"What I like about solo1y's formspring answers is that he is keeping it real. I can only assume the reason for his keeping it real is in some way related to the fact that he is from the streets."
-Dr. Dre

"You owe it to yourself and the formspring.me community to ask this guy some questions."
-TechCrunch.com

"One of the most interesting people I know."
-Dos Equis guy

How well can you wrap a gift? Do you enjoy wrapping gifts?

Gift-wrap is another bullshit circus.

I don't understand why anyone would want to delay the discovery of a gift.

What I really don't get is the kind of person who insists on STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT of you while you're opening it, so they can see the expression on your face. Now I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to engineer some sort of facial construction which reflects my gratitude without seeming insincere from someone who is essentially cynical and sarcastic all the time. Christ. What kind of person would want to torture me like that? What's wrong with you?

Just give me your gift and fuck off.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done?

There's a list. Take your pick:

Las Vegas: http://www.solo1y.com/d2009.htm#22MAR09
Marathon: http://www.solo1y.com/d2009.htm#11OCT09
Customs: http://www.solo1y.com/d2009.htm#7DEC09
Tattoo: http://www.solo1y.com/d2007.htm#02JAN07
Abortion Debate: http://www.solo1y.com/d2007.htm#05JUL07
Operation USA: http://www.solo1y.com/d2006.htm#05JUL06
Baby Smuggling: http://www.solo1y.com/d2003.htm#14JUL03
Almost Drowned: http://www.solo1y.com/d2002.htm#15APR02

You may have seen those Chicken Soup books, collections of inspirational essays targeted to various people and groups who need encouragement and healing. If you were working on the next one, what would be the title?

I suspect that self-help books are bought by precisely those people who do not need them. So, I'll just use the rest of this space to make stupid jokes:

Chicken Soup for the David Soul: a self-help book for fans of 70s heart throbs.

Chicken Soup for the Rubber Soul: a self-help book for Beatles fans.

Chicken Soup for the Lemon Soul: a self-help book for confused chefs.

Chicken Soup for the Life and Soul: a self-help book for party animals.

I'm done. Oh wait, there's one more.

Chicken Soup for the Leather Soul: a self-help book for girls who like shoes.

Now I'm done.

Describe the happiest day of your life so far.

On Tuesday, 19th June, 2001, I had Coke and Mars bars for breakfast. Then I got a wrong number, but it turned out to be Hunter S. Thompson. He hit one wrong number and got through to Ireland. What are the chances! So we talked for a while about all sorts of things. He was charming and friendly and agreed to send me autographed copies of all his books. I still have them: "To my friend Barry - don't take any guff from those swine! HST"

Later that day, I had lunch which was Lucozade and Cadbury's Creme eggs, and did some important work for NASA in outer space. That took up most of the afternoon, but re-entry was very smooth. I discovered a new planet, and they called it Barrion, after me.

In the evening I played some Scrabble with my parents. I managed to get a triple word score for "syzygy", but it wasn't enough to stop my mother from winning the game! We all laughed and watched some Muppet Shows.

That night, I went to sleep sandwiched between two 18-year-old hot Asian chicks dressed as cheerleaders.

Do you ever wonder �what if�?

Not often. But when I do, I finish the sentence. Like:

What if Hitler had some sort of neurological disorder which affected his arm and led to everyone in Germany adopting the Nazi salute as a way to help ease his social anxiety?

What if the stupidest person you know is just pretending to be stupid because she thinks it makes her endearing?

What if I wake up one morning and everything's been replaced by an exact replica?

What if all the televisions in the world just disappeared and people had to talk to each other and read books again?

What if dead people don't die - they just go to an island somewhere in the Pacific and stay there?

What if reality gets too detailed and the only way you can negotiate it is if you turn down the resolution?

Why am I watching Vin Diesel movies instead of doing laundry

You have a thing for bald, brooding actors who have a knack for showing up in entirely forgettable movies, except for one or two which are complete win?

Vin Diesel is what we have instead of Yul Brynner.

You are in charge of revitalising the city of Detroit, Michigan USA. What are the first 5 things that should be done?

1. Evacuate the three decent human beings that are worth saving from that godforsaken shitcake. I'm being charitable here, but there are surely three people in there worth saving.

2. Burn it to the ground.

3. Dispose of the ashes in an environmentally friendly fashion.

4. Sow the earth with salt.

5. Place bio-hazard and nuclear containment signs and massive fences all around the perimeter, occasionally embellished with severed heads, to serve as a warning to others.

And don't look back or I'll turn you into a pillar of salt.

Quick Stupid Joke

Do you ever smile?

The only time I've ever smiled was the first time I heard about the holocaust. You never forget your first time.

Are you a perfectionist?

Close enough.

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

I actually paid money to see The Phantom Menace. Does that count?

How do you feel about air conditioning?

It's cool.

Have you ever been a victim of sexual assault?

No. Fuck sexual assault.

Do you like grapefruit?

No. Fuck grapefruit. I refuse to eat anything that's more bitter than my grandfather.

When you broke your little toe, was the girl impressed? Also, tell me any fact (be it fact or not) you like/that comes into your head. I'm planning on working out how your mind functions.

No.

This sentence has three As, two Cs, two Ds, nineteen Es, six Fs, two Gs, five Hs, ten Is, two Ls, twelve Ns, nine Os, five Rs, twenty six Ss, sixteen Ts, four Us, four Vs, eight Ws, four Xs, and two Ys.

Good luck.

What if your cherished and only daughter wanted to wear something that made her look like a prostitute?

I pity prostitutes. It's getting more and more difficult for them to choose outfits that advertise their profession unambiguously.

When was the last time you made love to a woman?

I wouldn't call it "making love", exactly. It's more an emotionless, sticky combination of fumbling and grunting. It has to occur at least twice daily or I become cynical and grumpy.

After your grunting and sticky comments, I'm imagining what it's like to have sex with you. If I arrange your tickets and hotel, will you turn my curiosity into reality?

It didn't happen when I was eight years old, Uncle Bob, and it's not going to happen now.

How do you want to die?

Sandwiched between two hot 18-year-old chicks dressed as cheerleaders.

If you were exiled to an island with nothing but trees and monkeys, what three things would you bring with you?

Michael Phelps; a saddle; and a stick with a gold medal tied to the end of it.

Do you enjoy being famous?

Yeah, it's great. I get the best tables in restaurants and chicks want me to autograph their tits.

Why do you spell it "favourite" instead of "favorite"

I spell my words like they do in England. Where the English comes from.

What is the best way to convince earth-dwellers that you mean them no harm if you are visiting from another planet?

When the spaceship lands, play this over the speakers.

What is the best thing about living in America?

No matter where I go, I'm the smartest guy in the room. Also, chicks dig the accent.

Were you a boy scout in Ireland?

Honey, I was never a boy scout anywhere.

Wow. I just sounded really gay. But I don't think that works without the "honey".

Thinking back over the few times that I've been called 'honey', another question springs to mind: What other things can you think of that usually only elderly women and gay men say?

"I love Glee"

"How about a holiday in Key West?"

"Oooh I love my unreasonably tiny dog!"

OK I'm done. Oh no - there's one more:

"Can you help me push my stool in?"

Now I'm done.

How do you want your relatives or friends to dispose your remains, hopefully a great many years from now, after your death?

"Put me in a plastic bag and throw me over the ditch."
-my father

You've explained the solo1 name. What is the significance of the "y"? Why y?

I thought it might connote "of, or pertaining to, solo1", the same way that "cagey" means "something to do with cages" and "irony" means "something to do with iron".