solo1's Guide to Being a Goth
If real goths knew his hair was that curly, they'd be after him.
-Noel Fielding
It's getting more and more difficult to be a serious goth these days. Everyone's into emo stuff now. No one cares. Well, I care dammit! And especially for the kids I have assembled this cut-out-n-paste guide to being a proper goth.
The first step in being a serious goth is to pretend that the last thing you want to be is a serious goth.
Never ask other goths for help - they take that as a sign of weakness. In any case, they like to think that they were born like that.
Describe yourself as "of the night", implying that you walk the rooftops writing poetry as soon as the sun hits the ground, when in fact you spend most of the night asleep like everyone else.
Never look other goths in the eye - they take that as a challenge - just keep your head down and keep walking.
Listen to The Cure and My Chemical Romance and HIM but get annoyed when sensibly-dressed people tell you how great they think those bands are.
If you absolutely must admit to liking some music, make it something that non-goths listen to as well (so you don't seem so retarded), like Nine Inch Nails.
Assume people are "judging" you, when in fact they didn't notice you at all until you started whining about being "judged".
Allow total strangers to puncture parts of your body with metal rings, and etch designs under your skin. Somehow convince yourself that it's a good use of your time and money.
Resent the fact that your parents seem to love you regardless of how retarded you act/dress/talk.
Wear black all the time, but pretend as though it was an accident - any attempt to wear black consciously will be regarded as pathetic. You wore what you have on today ONLY because it was what you found on the floor this morning.
Occasionally imply that you believe vampires are real. When challenged, backpedal into some vague bullshit about "psychic vampires".
Vigorously defend your right to believe what you will, while attacking the rights of others to do the same. It's important to do this without any sense of irony.
Drink. Smoke. Do drugs. Yeah; now you're cool.
Casually mention that among your favourite movies are things like Edward Scissorshands and The Crow, but try not to make a big deal of it. Try to stay away from obvious statements such as "The only musical I ever liked was Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd". WE KNOW ALREADY! Gosh.
Walk around malls or other public areas and bemoan how people stare at you, even though a small, stupid child could have predicted that response to your choice of wardrobe.