YouTube Dental PlanThis is what I do for fun. Of course, David Thorne does it so much better, but he seems to regard it as his professional vocation. Also, he's funnier, but this is my page.
The video she's referring to is this one about me getting a haircut. Somehow, username DentalStu got the idea that I might want to make a video of my teeth and give it to her. Naturally, I assumed one of my "friends" was screwing around with me and dismissed any possibility that it might be genuine. But what the hell? Why not have some fun while we're all here. So I made some jokes about my teeth being so awful and so European that they could actually kill people.
This reply was completely devoid of any sense of humour, which made me think that this person might actually be serious. She even gives details of a strange academic project she has been forced into, presumably in the event that she might have to buy a horse some time in the future. I'm not going to lie - all sorts of unpleasant scenarios went through my head, some of them related to organised crime. I decided not to answer.
DentalStu did not take the hint, and helpfully provided me with an unasked-for email address, or if that didn't suit me, some weird filesharing site where I would have to make sure all the boxes were "UNchecked". Unchecked boxes save lives. At this point my intrigue overrode my survival instincts (AGAIN!) and I wanted to see how much fun I could have.
Things get more suspicious here. I don't know of any course in any university in the world that would drop EVERYONE a grade just because one person was cheating. At least she admits she's cheating in whatever the hell sort of assignment this is. Far more worrying, from my point of view, was the admission in her final sentence that she's not human. I am now fishing for information because this thing is getting weirder and weirder. It felt like following a season of Lost - answered questions just led to further, more annoying questions. But you can't help yourself, can you? You tell yourself "Just one more episode and then I'll stop watching," but you never do.
We are drifting into very strange territory. Either I am a terrible human being, or I am the subject of a brilliant mass-trolling effort. A snapshot of her homelife is not encouraging, although personally if my father hated some profession, I probably wouldn't take those classes at university. But that's just me. Her use of the word "dime" implies that she's American, but her lack of ability to cobble together simple English sentences confirms it. Also, she seems to think that doctor/patient confidentiality extends to college students. And dentists. The time had come to test her commitment to her premise. I invented two people who were also interested in videos of my teeth, dropped the dollar bomb and an exclusivity clause. How would she wiggle out of this?
Why should I be the only one with supporting characters? This time, she introduces her "boyfriend" and a hint of desperation. Hm. Also, I introduce the idea that there's some sort of auction going on the interwebz for the rights to film my teeth. The Arab has gone up to $100 now. Surely some revelation is at hand!
Wow. The very same hour I get a message from her about her previously-unmentioned boyfriend, I get a message from him. That's not suspicious at all. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at: the identical paragraph construction; the curious use of the double end-stop; the lack of apostrophe in words which require it; the intermittent use of the lowercase I. No - these emails are clearly from the same person, and I identified them as such almost immediately. If you check his YouTube account, you can see those vids are still there. Also, observe, if you will, the strange disconnect between passive-aggressive language ("people decent enough like you") and attempts to identify with me in a casual way, as though we were friends ("Hey Dude"). I still don't really understand what the joke is, though. She's gone to the bother of inventing a boyfriend, or at the very least impersonating her boyfriend, or some random guy, just to get videos of my teeth. What's her angle? Does she have some strange sexual fetish? No matter! Seeing those videos of her non-existent boyfriend's teeth meant that she finally had her video and could leave me alone. Right? RIGHT?
Wrong. She needs me, her non-existent boyfriend, and 18-28 more people to deliver the goods. I am now in full troll mode. I'll start by pretending to be offended that she's treating me like a tooth slut, but I always have the two supporting characters in my back pocket if things get crazy.
She seems a bit calmer now, but still on the defensive. I keep pushing the money angle.
If he can be fake-pally, passive-aggressive, then so can I. This was my attempt to get him to admit, either explicitly or implicitly, that his girlfriend is an annoying bitch. If he said anything at all that failed to commpletely contradict my implication, I would then use it, slightly amplified, in a cross-referenced message to her, and hopefully cause some friction between them. Which would be hilarious because it's the same person. That was my plan, but things didn't turn out like that.
How did this person make it into a university? Don't you have to be clever to get into dentist school? How can someone be so retarded about something as simple as a currency transaction? Or does she think that everyone on the planet uses currency called dollars, with the same symbol as the American dollar? Also, she's trying to pick apart the logical holes in my story, which is fair enough, but she's doing it without a trace of irony. As she seems to be ending the correspondence, I decide to crank it up a notch, accuse her of conspiracy with my two fictional correspondents, and imply that her boyfriend is not real.
Again with the dentist-hating father (and again with the glaringly-incorrect use of the singular, further proof that they are the same person)! As this was the last message I received from either account, I'll never know what their real game was. Suggestions welcome. |
